I’m willing to bet that as God looks at us, his perspective is two-fold. One perspective is much like this picture taken from a balcony about 30 feet above the beach. He sees the big picture and how everyone is interacting in it. But I would bet my left eye tooth that his perspective is also up close and personal. He is so intimately connected with those that he has made. So much so that I have felt the distinct impression of his mighty and gentle hands molding my heart in the heat of refinement.
Then there is the matter of our perspective. I wrote six months ago that I was on a quest to live in a different way — a quest to change my perspective and see around or through my circumstances to my new view of God. My view of God, both the expanse and the depth, has changed and then changed again over the last twenty years. My view of myself has changed almost as dramatically, but there was vision correction that still needed/needs to take place.
Because of early childhood trauma, complicated by other factors, two of the strongest internal messages that I have had to work to capture and combat are these: 1. You are not worthy of love. 2. No one is there to protect you. You’re on your own. You can imagine the bad choices that came out of those two self “truths.” Bad dating choices. Loads of self-protective behavior. I envy those who think the world of themselves, who seem to have no problem accepting that they are awesome. I would love for that to be my gut reaction, no matter what comes at me. That’s how God sees me. But in my lack of faith, I don’t believe Him.
I mentioned a vision correction that still needs to take place. I have realized in the past couple of years how I have come to expect rejection. I accept it as part of my lot in life, the natural order of things. “No one likes you,” that nasty little voice inside my head whispers. I read a quote in Beth Moore’s So Long Insecurities that slammed me between the eyes. “You view 80% participation as 100% rejection.” Read that again. Let that sink in. I’m not the only one who thinks this way. This thought has affected probably all of my relationships with women. I view the smallest withdrawal as 100% rejection. The percentage of times when those withdrawals have something to do with me and not with the other person’s life or circumstances? Probably about 1%.
God gave me a verse along with a vision. I Corinthians 2:14-15 says: “I thank you, my God, who always leads me in triumphal procession in Christ and through me desires to spread everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of Him. For You have called me to be the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing.” And the vision was beautiful.
I was walking in procession with Christ. We were walking through a royal pathway surrounded by thousands of people. I felt so safe with my Jesus. There were people around us that were happy to see me. But there were those who were not. But no matter who they were, if they breathed deeply, what they smelled was the fragrance of Christ – a beautiful aroma that brings peace. That fragrance lay on me, too. This fragrance is beautiful and whimsical and imminently attractive to others.
So I can choose to live as if I smell of beauty or that I stink of rejection. I’m kind of tired of wrapping myself in something that reeks of poo.=)